“Stealing Struggles”
by Dr. Freda Deskin
One of the most essential life lessons I have ever received came from my dear friend and long-time mentor, Alma Wilson, the first female Chief Justice of the Oklahoma Supreme Court.
Justice Wilson was so well known that everyone referred to her as “Alma.” She was like Cher, the singer—just Alma. That is what she preferred being called. It was a term of endearment.
Alma was well-known for imparting her wisdom in simple, short phrases. Of the many that have stayed with me over the years, one stands out: “Don’t steal their struggle.” Alma shared anecdotes about parents rescuing their children from consequences and what she had seen in her courtroom as a district judge. She described the revolving door of the courtroom where she say the same young people and their parents multiple times. The parents were always bailing them out -until they couldn’t. She explained similar situations where employers rescued employees.
Justice Wilson asked me whether I was the person I was because of my struggles. She said she certainly was. It didn’t take me long to realize that I had my strengths as an adult and a leader because of my struggles.
As parents, friends, and leaders, we often rush to rescue the people in our lives and to steal their struggle. Alms’ few simple words changed the way I parented, the way I interacted with my friends, and how I lead employees. Developing the habit of empathy versus sympathy is no small task and requires being mindful and careful thought.
“Stealing the struggle” takes away opportunities for a child, a friend, or an employee to face challenges and grow through overcoming obstacles. Doing so can have significant negative consequences, including:
- Hindering Skill Development
Problem-Solving Skills: When individuals are shielded from difficulties, they miss the opportunity to develop critical problem-solving and coping skills. Struggle helps people learn to navigate challenges, an essential life skill (Dweck, Mindset).
Resilience: Facing and overcoming challenges builds resilience. Without struggle, individuals may not learn how to handle setbacks or failures effectively, which can be detrimental in the long term (American Psychological Association).
- Fostering Learned Helplessness
Dependency: When someone steps in to solve every problem, the individual may develop a sense of dependency and a belief that they cannot manage challenges on their own. This can lead to a lack of self-efficacy, where they believe their actions don’t influence outcomes (Seligman, Learned Helplessness).
Avoidance of Responsibility: Employees or children may avoid taking responsibility for their tasks, expecting others to handle the hard parts for them. This can result in a lack of ownership and motivation.
- Damages Confidence and Self-Esteem
Lower Self-Confidence: Overprotecting or intervening too much can signal to the individual that you don’t believe in their abilities. This can significantly undermine their confidence and hinder their willingness to take on future challenges.
Lack of Achievement: Accomplishing difficult tasks independently contributes to self-esteem. When someone is robbed of that opportunity, they may feel less capable, even if they haven’t experienced direct failure (Bandura, Self-Efficacy).
- Limits Growth and Potential
Stunted Emotional Growth: Struggling with challenges often involves emotional regulation—learning to deal with frustration, anxiety, or fear. By avoiding struggle, the individual misses the chance to develop these emotional coping mechanisms.
Limits Creativity and Initiative: Facing difficulties often requires creative problem-solving. Shielding someone from challenges can limit their opportunity to think outside the box and become innovative.
- Promotes Short-Term Comfort Over Long-Term Growth
Comfort Zone: To keep someone comfortable, they might be kept in a perpetual comfort zone. While this prevents short-term discomfort, it also inhibits long-term growth and learning (Brown, Dare to Lead).
Lack of Grit: In her book Grit, Angela Duckworth emphasizes that perseverance and passion are built through experiences that test endurance. Removing challenges takes away opportunities to cultivate this “grit,” which is crucial for long-term success.
- Creates Unrealistic Expectations
Expecting Easy Solutions: Children or employees who don’t experience challenges may develop unrealistic expectations that life or work should always be easy. This can lead to frustration and demotivation when they eventually face obstacles no one solves.
Fear of Failure: Without experience in facing difficulties, the fear of failure can be heightened. Individuals may avoid challenges altogether out of fear of not knowing how to cope with potential setbacks.
Practical Implications:
For Children: Allowing a child to experience manageable struggles helps build independence, emotional regulation, and resilience. Parenting or teaching should involve guiding them to solve problems rather than doing everything for them (Dweck, Mindset).
For Employees: In a work environment, stepping in too often can prevent employees from learning essential skills and building confidence in their roles. Managers should encourage growth by providing support rather than taking over tasks, thereby promoting autonomy and mastery (Pink, Drive)
As Justice Wilson knew, struggle is an important aspect of growth, whether for a child developing essential life skills or an employee learning to navigate workplace challenges. Encouraging independence and allowing individuals to face and work through difficulties is crucial for fostering long-term success, resilience, and self-confidence. I am grateful to my parents, my friends, and my fellow leaders for not stealing all my struggles.
Excellent article with great insights for any parent, coach, or employer!